Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Do people feel guilty when they feel guilty??



Suppose you have stolen Rs 10000/- from someone because you were in need or the money was unmonitored etc etc. But after a month or so, you start feeling guilty for the act you did. You start feeling bad about the act you committed and you find it hard to get over it. What can you do in such a scenario? I can see 3 main possibilities

  1. Call up the person (assuming you have the contact details of the person from whom you stolen) and apologize and return the money.
  2. Call up the person and apologize.
  3. Just try to put the incident behind your mind and get on with life.

I have asked many people over the years to rate the 3 options from best to worst. Invariably people choose the 1st as the best, followed by 2nd and then the 3rd. But I am always of the opinion that 1st is the best, followed by 3rd and then the 2nd. Let me detail.

The premise is, you are feeling guilty about the act you did and that is because of the possible damage you have done to the person from whom you have stolen the money. Therefore 1st option is the best thing to do. There is remorse in that and correction of the damage done. Now why do people usually think the 2nd option is second best? That's because it appears that there is remorse (because of the apologizing) though correction factor is not considered. But how true is that? If there was actually remorse, then why evade the correction factor (assuming you have the money to return)? According to me 2nd option is the worst because there is no remorse there instead a selfish need to wash away the apparent guilt and get on with life. It's to feel good about oneself that the mistake was somehow corrected (though it actually isn't corrected). But in the 3rd option , there is no washing away of the guilt and it stays within oneself. The memory of the wrong behavior exhibited is the price one pays for the mistake committed. But in the 2nd option, there is no price payed in terms of repaying nor paying in terms of remorse. Win win situation huh? Only thing is, it is coming at the cost of someone else.

So apologizing when you don't want to correct especially when you can correct is purely a selfish act and nothing else. Forgiveness should be earned after all.

P S - The above post is applicable only in contexts where correction is possible. If someone has hurt someone else through words and feeling guilty for the same, then option 2 is better than option 3.


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

The source of my Empathy...



“Bangalore traffic is sooo bad”, “This traffic jam sucks”, etc etc. You might often hear people say these, especially when are stuck in the traffic jam. I was also no exception to this until the day I saw a T shirt bearing the following quote “You are not stuck in the traffic but you are the traffic jam”. After getting to know my position (I e my contribution to the traffic jam), my frustration reduced and I started becoming more tolerant with the traffic nuisance that exist in the city. After all, how can I be so harsh on myself??

We all tend to be fussy about people around, their choices and actions. We can be very critical to mean when it comes to responding certain things people do. But do we stop a moment to ask how clean, perfect we are to criticize others? This is not a new thought and the following quote pretty much says it all “Be the change you want to see in the world ”.. So if you don't want to see traffic jam, don't be a part of traffic. How many of us can practice that? People like Gandhi tried and possibly succeeded to some extend. He tried to introspect and self correct to be in a moral position to pass any comments let alone mean and critical ones. But it is easier said than done.

Since I am no Gandhi and don't plan to become one either, I choose a slightly different path. I just stop being over critical. Even if I do (like a lot of my blog posts), those are just my observations for intellectual pleasure and don't intend to offend anyone with those. My source of Empathy, forgiveness at times, being accommodative is very self centric in nature. Since I do have fallacies, why bother criticizing others is the path I often take. Also, I don't let criticisms get on to me quite easily (Except those which has merit in them) because I am quite sure I am not living with too many Gandhies around ;-)

In essence, It is very easy to have ideologies but difficult to follow all of them to the fullest. I am aware of the mismatches I have between my ideologies and practice. That awareness helps me to empathize with others' fallacies. After all, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.


 

Double Standards


Let A and B are in a married/romantic/living together relationship. A falls sick just before B is about to make a trip. The following matrix shows all possibilities.


A -->
Mildly sick
Average sick
Needs immediate attention
B |
   V
Travel of low importance
Whether B cancels or not is immaterial
B canceling is better
B should cancel
Travel of medium importance
B going is better
“Double Standards”
B canceling is better
Travel of high importance
B should go
B should go by making alternate arrangements
If B can make sufficient alternate arrangements, then going is an option else canceling is inevitable.

This post is concerned with the box “Double Standards” from the above matrix. What I have usually noticed (Me included) is that, if I am in A's position, I would want B to go (by assuring I will be taking care of myself) and if I am in B's position, I want to stay back ( by saying the travel is of not so high importance ) and that is the “Double standards” I am talking about. Why do we have it after all? This is where guilt comes into the picture



Position
Action
Consequence
If I am A
Letting B stay
I get care but also I have to carry guilt
Letting B go
I don't get care but no guilt either



Position
Action
Consequence
If I am B
By going
Work gets done but guilt comes along
By canceling
Work is pending but no guilt

If guilt is so bad that I try to avoid by having double standards, why deny that to the other person? It's the selfishness to have high behavioral stand point. Having a single standard takes away my opportunity to take that high stand point. What would the results be if I had a single standard?


Ideology
Position
Action
If I felt work is more important
If I am A
Would let B go
If I am B
Would go



Ideology
Position
Action
If I felt medical care is more important than work
If I am A
Would ask B to cancel
If I am B
Would cancel


Once I did try to practice single standard and faced the most unexpected, hypocritical response. I was in B's position and A asked me to go and I did plan to go only to hear that I have the audacity to leave the sick person and travel on work. So my work remained pending and also was guilt trapped for even trying to travel on work.

How many standards did A have? 
Not wanting me to go but asking me go and then getting pissed when I was ready to go. Triple standards I suppose ;-)

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Why is honesty often equated with confession?



“I am being honest now and telling that I was avoiding you”, “I will come clean and be completely honest”…. We hear people use sentences like these often. I feel “being honest” is more often used in the context when one has to confess some wrong doing or when describing a negative trait one possess. But why? Why not sentences like “I honestly tell my understanding of this subject is very good?” “Honestly, I think I m quite deep when it comes to some xyz”. As a teacher, I have made it a policy to be honest with students and admit when I don't know answers to certain questions. In fact I take pride in doing that. But can I be equally honest and say “I think I am a very good chemistry teacher”? I seldom do that and often leave it to students to imply what they want.

I think the reason for such an imbalance is the expectation of false humility from people. The moment I say positive things about me, I am at the risk of getting branded as narcissistic, arrogant, egoistic etc. I also can't be honest when it comes to other people's negatives (Refer my previous post: “Honesty is the best policy”.. Really?) . People expect you to say positive things about them and negative things about yourself but not the other way around. In my opinion, such a skewed honesty, is not honesty at all!

Am I arrogant, egoistic and a narcissist for writing this post?? ;-)


Saturday, April 2, 2016

"Person" or "Idea of the Person"?



Finally found the answer to this long standing question.....

It always the "Person" when it comes to oneself and "Idea of the Person" when it comes to others..... Selfish and Hypocritical, Huh?.....